A Little Bud Of Hope

Monday, 16 June 2014

I've been wanting to write this post for a long time but haven't quite felt ready until now. As you know I am 28 weeks pregnant and back when I announced my pregnancy to you all I told you it hadn't been easy.


Well back last summer we found out we were expecting. We were very excited and were waiting until our 12 week scan to announce to all our friends and family. We were on holiday when I started to realise that my awful sickness had disappeared along with all other pregnancy symptoms. I put it down to excitement about our holiday, maybe I just wasn't noticing as I was having so much fun with the kids. The day after we got back from our holiday we moved into our new house. It had been a long stressful wait but our mortgage was sorted and we had the keys. Andy made sure I did no heavy lifting while we moved and we knew that just days later we had our 12 week scan. It was 24th Septemer last year, it was my Dad's birthday and also the day of my scan. I turned up for my scan, I had to go in alone while Andy waited outside with the kids. I lay down on the bed and the sonographer began. I remember it being very quiet and I remember making a stupid joke about hoping there was only one in there. Then I remember her giving me the look. I don't remember quite what she said but it wasn't good news, baby had stopped growing and had no heartbeat, they had stopped growing at 7.5 weeks. Anyone who has had a miscarriage will know 'the look' it's a look that will stay with me my whole life. I just remember bursting into tears and her saying 'that wasn't what you wanted to see was it'. Does any woman ever want to see or hear that news?! One of the hardest parts was after she bought Andy and the kids into me, I was walked through the ultrasound waiting room with Gracie tightly gripping my hand while I was in floods of tears. I could feel all eyes on me while I walked past a load of women and their baby bumps. 

I chose to wait and see if I naturally miscarried so I was sent home with some painkillers for when the pain kicked in. Just three days later on Zach's first birthday it all started. We were miles away in Birmingham and I had to cut his birthday day out short and head home as the pain got worse and worse. As if I didn't feel bad enough about what was happening I could now add guilt about ruining his birthday. The pain was excruciating. I could never imagine anything more painful both physically and mentally. After almost a week of pains and bleeding I thought it was over but when I went to the hospital three weeks later it turned out my body had clung on to the baby and I still had a lot of 'product' left so we went for the medical miscarriage approach or 'medical abortion' to some. This time it wasn't as painful but thankfully it worked. 7 weeks after my scan I was discharged from hospital care. 

Although the pregnancy hadn't been planned I was truly heartbroken over what had happened. I decided to not tell my family. I couldn't cope with any 'it's probably for the best' or 'three would be too much hard work anyway' comments. I told my closest friends and they gave me amazing support, I don't know what I would have done without them. It was because of some of these ladies that I have finally felt the courage to talk about it. The week following my scan a group of amazing ladies sent me some lovely gifts. Flowers, a gift voucher and a lovely Rose bush. The purpose of the Rose bush was so that whenever it flowers I can remember the baby I lost. Well yesterday I noticed the first bud starting to open in this Rose bush and I suddenly felt blessed. The first flower is starting to show and while I'm planning the arrival of our rainbow baby. I thought seeing the flowers would make me feel sad but they make me feel hope. Hope that everything will be fine. And they make me feel happy that I have such amazing friends who will be there for me throughout everything.


I started this pregnancy very paranoid, I was too scared to tell anyone, too scared to get excited and terrified for that 12 week scan. I found out just five weeks after being discharged from hospital and it was very unexpected. I also had a miscarriage scare after a bleeding episode just days before that scan so went into the scan expecting the worst. The relief I felt when I saw baby moving around was amazing. Since then each appointment and each scan has been a huge milestone and I can't believe how far we've got. Every movement makes me smile. I can't wait to have our new baby girl safely in my arms but until then I am enjoying this pregnancy. No matter how bad my symptoms get they are proof that everything is still ok and that makes me happy. And to think it has taken one little flower to make me feel ready to tell my story.

Thank you for reading

x

You Might Also Like

19 comments

  1. I think miscarriage is one ofthe hardest things to go through in life and the trouble is it is something that isn't talked about often enough, I know when I miscarried the only people who knew where my husband and my mum and I felt very lonely and blamed myself for what happened. I'm so glad you have such wonderful friends to get you through a tough time in your life!! xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Definitely! Women are told to keep quiet until 12 weeks 'in case anything happens' and so I think we automatically think it is something that should be kept to ourselves. I also think the guilt and grief make it hard to talk as no matter what people say you tend to blame yourself x

      Delete
  2. Such a difficult post to write, but well done you, I think every post like this can offer help and support to women going through the same thing, miscarrige is often glossed over and it really shouldn't be - thank you for sharing such heartfelt feelings. All I can hope for is other women experiencing this are as strong as you ...and also have some friends to help them through too. What a beautiful little bud that is. xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have to say I honestly feel so much better after letting it out. I think the more you bottle it up the more it eats away at you and it is something women shouldn't feel ashamed to talk about. I think after care doesn't help there is so little offered to women suffering and the effects can be awful x

      Delete
  3. A very hard post to write I know but I'm glad you are sharing.
    I'm so pleased to see those rose buds today of all days x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. Yes such a fitting time x

      Delete
  4. How lovely the rose is in bud and has given you hope Carly. How brave of you to share such a hard time in your life also. You are far stronger than you realise. I wish you all the best with all of your children xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I definitely think it is an experience that makes you have no choice but to be strong. I have the kids to thank for that. It's amazing what you can overcome when you have your children to keep you going and give you a reason to get out of bed everyday. Thank you x

      Delete
  5. I am so sorry to read your story. The rose bush is a wonderful thoughtful gift and will hopefully bring comfort to some otherwise very painful memories.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Definitely, I don't think they could have possibly come up with a better gift. It showed me they cared and gave me something to look after and look forward to seeing year after year x

      Delete
  6. I can't even imagine how hard it was for you to write this. What lovely friends you have and I am glad the rose buds have given you hope x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you it was incredibly hard but I am so glad to let it out and have had nothing but support for it which is an amazing feeling x

      Delete
  7. Such a brave, heartfelt post Carly. Thank you for sharing and I hope that reading this post can give other women in this situation hope just as the Rosebuds id for you. Here for you as always xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you and I hope so too. I figured that the fact my life had turned around for the better meant it was perfect timing to talk about the subject. I would love to think my post would help someone feel better in such a difficult time in their life x

      Delete
  8. A beautifully written post Carly, thanks so much for sharing your story and I hope it can help other women in your situation. Miscarriage does seem to be a taboo in society and I think that's a terrible shame. xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are completely right it is so hard to talk about and I hope one day it will become easier for women to talk openly about it as the support I've had is amazing and I'd hate to think of people suffering alone with no one to open up to x

      Delete
  9. Sending huge hugs your way. Such a brave post to write. Love that your rose will be blooming soon, too! I had a missed miscarriage a few years ago and had a terrible time. I've never blogged about it either, but think it might be time to get it out there. Let's break the taboo. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So sorry you had to go through it too. You should write about it if you feel up to it you should never feel you have to keep it to yourself especially in our blogging community the support is amazing. I am so shocked at how many people have read and commented and even more shocked at how many of us have been through similar experiences x

      Delete
  10. Thank you so much for sharing this post. It must have been so hard to write but even though tragic it is a beautifully written piece. I am so glad you had such lovely and supportive friends to help you through such a terrible ordeal. I had a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks in 2012. I fortunately got pregnant quite quickly afterwards but I wasn't emotionally ready - I was so scared and counted down every day, midwife appointment scan and milestone. I couldn't believe it would be all right until my little girl was born. Congratulations on being pregnant and I wish you all the best for the future. xxx

    ReplyDelete

Popular Posts